Tales from the Trash Can
by hattuteline
Summary: Random musings about the irregularities of life in Naruto. Rated M for... rated stuff.
1. The Ninetails is surprisingly spunky

I don't really know where this one came from. I remember I read several Kyuubi-powerups-Naruto-fics and this was the feeling I got left with.

Yes, there's a reference to a certain Star Wars game. This chapter is v2, fixed up in July 2006.

* * *

Naruto was, all of a sudden, directly addressed by the tenant inside his head. 

"_Listen up, meatbag_," growled the fox demon. "_After careful consideration, I've decided to impart you with all of my strength and knowledge for no apparent reason._"

"What!" Naruto yelped in surprise. "I thought you hated my guts! Come to think of it, up until now you've never even contacted me like this!"

"_Shut up._ _From now on you will wake up at 2 am every morning and train until midnight,"_ said the Kyuubi. _"During your two hours of sleep I can use a special Jutsu to slow down time so that you can train for two more full days before waking up._"

"All right..." answered Naruto at length. "But if you can do that, wouldn't it be better for me to stay asleep all the time?"

"_What did I tell you about shutting up, meatbag?_ _After we're finished, you'll have more Chakra than the rest of the world put together. It won't do to have my representative stay this weak._"

Naruto gave a resigned sigh. For the next two and half weeks he trained rigorously, obtaining unprecendented strength and shinobi ability.

"_My, you've grown so sexy and powerful during our training._"

"Thanks, Kicchan," Naruto responded with a face-splitting grin. "I never could have done it without you!"

"_Let me reveal my true form to you._"

Kyuubi transformed from the menacing giant fox into a buxomly filled, red-haired, furry queen girl - more beautiful than any female Naruto had ever seen in his life.

"_My kitling prince, would you agree to court me for the evening?_" asked the foxy girl with her low, sensual voice.

"Whoa!" shouted Naruto in surprise, "You're like, a total megababe! Definitely didn't see that one coming..."

"_Ohh!_ _Just take me, you wild thing._"

"I'd never have guessed you were a smoking hot girl, what with that old man speech and voice you always used."

"_Originally I was supposed to look like a cat, but another show stole the idea... Damned sword clowns._"

"I'm gonna cream my pants right now, so please do something about it!"

Just as Naruto started to fully enjoy the benefits of a hot girl going down on him, Orochimaru and the Akatsuki invaded Leaf.

"Aww crap, anytime but now!"

"_You can fight them now, my kitling prince. You've gained enough strength to be at approximately 10.37 times the level of the random Sennin of the human world._"

Naruto nodded in agreement and went to confront the invaders.

"Naruto-kun," said Itachi.

"Kyuubi brat," said Orochimaru.

"I'm going to kick your asses!" shouted Naruto, hoping no one would notice he wore his orange jacked inside out.

Tsunade and Kakashi and Sakura and the rest of the gang watched from the sidelines.

"Do you think we should give him a hand?" asked Sakura. "I mean, he's just Naruto and all, and that's Uchiha Itachi..."

"Orochimaru..." growled Tsunade.

"Maa maa, don't sweat it, we'll see what Naruto can do before that," drawled Kakashi, his nose buried deep in the orange book.

Naruto defeated everyone but Itachi and Orochimaru in two seconds.

"Oh My God!" said Tsunade, her head awhirl. "Was that the Secret Style of the Farting Baboon?"

"Yes I believe it was, the lost style rumoured only to be known by the late Fourth Hokage," said Jiraiya.

"Oh My God! Now he's using the Hidden Arts of the Order of Phallus!" Sakura screeched, as Naruto engaged the two last criminal nins.

"_Not to mention, he knows still about five hundred billion other styles and arts considered lost by your dim-witted standards._"

"Ah, it all makes sense now," said Tsunade, "but who the heck are you?"

"_Talking to me, meatbag?_" Kyuubi-chan answered. "_I'm a... very special friend of Naruto's._"

"Wooow, hold the horses! Stop the press! Who do we have here? Just - who - do - we - have - here?" Jiraiya exclaimed to the young girl with assets enough to bring even Tsunade to shame. "I don't believe we've ever been 'introduced' properly..."

"_Er, keep your eyes to the fight, meatbag, and there will be no unnecessary casulties._"

"It's so nice Naruto has made some new friends!" Tsunade clapped her hands together with a beaming smile.

Meanwhile Naruto finished wiping the floor with Itachi and Orochimaru, and dragged a beaten up Sasuke by his leg behind him.

"Look what I found," Naruto said to the group. "He kind of wanted to kill Itachi, but he'll never get to do it now. Oh well, at least he can have a shot at a new life he'll botch up just like the previous one."

Kyuubi walked up to Naruto and snogged him good against the nearest wall. They came out for air several minutes later, and Tsunade had the chance to ask, "Naruto! What exactly is this... highly suspicious girl to you?"

"Tsunade-baachan, this is the Kyuubi. We're going to elope right now and escape from the village, since no one will ever understand our forbidden love."

"She is _WHAT_?"

"_I have reason to believe you heard it correctly, meatbag._"

"Naruto, don't you have any sense of reason left in your head? We will never stand for this kind of thing!"

"I just got an idea for a new novel..." muttered Jiraiya, as he jogged off with a lecherous grin.

Kakashi scratched his head as he snapped his book shut, and said, "Did I miss something?"

"Sasuke-kun!" yelled Sakura over his prone body.

The rest of the gang picked their noses.

"Well all right, we stand for it then. But don't you understand, the rest of the villagers will never approve of you two!" Tsunade tried to make the couple see her point. Besides, she was better looking than some furry bitch.

"Meh, details," quipped Naruto, and pinned his favourite demon fox against the wall and his lips.


	2. It's never easy for anyone

Disclaimer: I passed only the single mandatory course of biology in high school, don't blame me too much if some facts have been 'modified' for fantasy purposes.

This is chapter v2: Did some fixing here and there, July 2006.

* * *

The weirdest day in the life of Uzumaki Naruto was just like any other day, until he mistakenly trampled on an ant hill during a D-rank mission. It wasn't  
the first time he stepped on that particular ant hill; through the years, going in and out of missions, he had always been a regular menace for the otherwise peaceful ant colony right next to the Konoha gates. 

Adjusting to a recurring natural disaster, the legendary Ant-kage, strongest ant to ever lead the colony, readied himself and lay in wait. When the left side edge of the ant hill collapsed under the foot of the Hideous Orange Monster, he stood upon the boss of the Cockroach summon family and completed his Jutsu. The air around the monster distorted in an explosion of lights, as it got sucked through space and time into the mind of a newborn baby ant.

"What the Hell happened just now?" exclaimed Naruto into the echoing darkness around him.

He could make out the outlines of large metal bars stopping him from going towards what seemed like the best bet for an exit.

"_I'd laugh at you, if this wasn't so immeasurably pathetic,_" Kyuubi growled from his head.

From that day on, Uzumaki Naruto inhabited the mind of another being, with only a pissed off demon fox to keep him company.

* * *

- 12 years later...-

* * *

The young ant went by the name of Arizuka Chinpoko. It attended the Ant Ninja Academy until graduation and got into a three-ant-cell of its own. Through this period of time Naruto didn't have a choice but to learn how fascinating twigs, other ants, dry tree leaves, and the rest of the insect population were. He often wondered what went on in Konoha now days, and if anyone cared that he had disappeared - but could ultimately do nothing about it. 

One day Chinpoko appeared in front of Naruto in the imaginary mind world.

"You big bad devil! Squeak squeak!" chirped the ant with the tinest of voices.

Naruto sat on the ground cross-legged, his arms crossed on his front. He cracked one eye open to scan through the ground level, and managed to locate the meager bug seeking his attention.

"Come closer..." he answered, with an eerie, hollow voice. Twelve years inside the head of an ant can do wonders to a teenager's temper.

The ant slowly took a few steps closer, scrunching its little face in immense suspicion.

Lightning fast, Naruto stomped it down with his foot. He missed.

"Shit..."

"_You... you're an idiot without equal! How the fuck do you expect to kill off the little shit now?_"

"Shut up, and let me step on it once more."

Meanwhile the ant reassured itself that its tiny heart wasn't about to explode from overdrive or pop out of its chest.

"You devil! Squeak!" tweeped the ant, with a tiny voice that Naruto had problems hearing. "You live in my head, so you better give me your strength! Squeak squeak!"

"And why would I give you anything?" asked Naruto, honestly confused.

"Because if I die, you die too! Squeak!" it peeped.

"Eh? You're in a danger of some sort?" pondered Naruto aloud, scratching his temple with one finger. Seeing the fervent nodding of the ant, he continued, "Well I guess I don't have much use for this..."

Naruto formed a big ball of chakra between his hands and leaned down to give it over.

"_The useless piece of shit can't handle that much chakra at once. The body will instantly combust and leave nothing behind from any of us._"

Rolling his eyes towards the ceiling, Naruto answered,"I suppose you're right..."

Naruto split the chakra down in several smaller parts and chose one.

"_You idiot, it's the same thing. Split it down more._"

Naruto kept splitting it until he had a chakra ball about the size of a drop of water, and handed it over to the young ant.

It disappeared without saying anything.

"Gee, I don't suppose it knows words like 'thank you' or 'please' ..."

"_You know, I've wondered about the same thing over the years._"

* * *

- A couple years later... -_

* * *

_

"_Checkmate._"

"Fuck you."

"_It's 'Thank you for the game,' you nitwit bastard._"

"Mr. Orange Demon! Squeak squeak!" came the little voice.

"Not you again," grumbled Naruto, face buried in his hands.

"I have several demands for you! Squeak!"

"The sooner you start the sooner I'll get rid of you."

"Firstly, you have to give me all your chakra and knowledge! Squeak squeak!" it demanded with a cheep.

Naruto gave the ant a blank stare.

"No deal, next."

"You have to do this! Or I will... kill myself and take you along with me...! Squeak squeak...!"

"Is that supposed to be a threat? I'm slowly getting the feeling that it would be the easiest way out of here."

"_You bastard, I'm going to torture you until the end of afterlife if you do this._"

"All right, all right..." answered Naruto, annoyed at the fox demon. "So how do you expect to use even a fraction of my power without dying?"

"The second demand is that you will train me strong enough to handle all your powers! Squeak squeak!" came the chirping answer.

"I don't really have the time for that... I gotta, uhh, scratch my butt and stuff."

"I will kill myself! Squeak!"

"_Suffer in the flames of hell, traitor!_"

"All right! All right... I'll do it," said Naruto.

* * *

- Still some years later... -

* * *

"Naruto-senseeeeeeeeeeeeei!" came the squealing voice. 

"I'm going to kill that little twerp, some day..."

"It's time for training, Naruto-sensei! Squeak!"

"_I propose you kill it slowly,_" said the Kyuubi, "_You can't get any satisfaction just from ending it in an instant._"

"Yeah stomping on it would be so good. Then stomping again," he said, shivering in pleasure, "stomping it really good..."

"_First you step on it, breaking the legs. Then you step on the head and step on it again and squash it against the ground like a cigarette. Then you step on it, and you step on it, and stomp on it, and step on it, and step and step and step and step step step and make its bones splinter and blood splatter like a fountain, and then you fuck its eye socket and step on it some more and shit on it and feed it to itself and roast it over open fire and then you-_"

"Calm down now, Mr. Anxious. We'll get to the good parts, eventually."

"Naruto-senseeeeei!" squeaked the little voice.

"Because I don't even want to think about the remaining option..."

At least, Uzumaki Naruto could say that he had lead an interesting life.


	3. I was just thinking about

"Oh My God!" wailed Naruto, as he woke up in his bed. "I've become a shrimp!"

Truth be told, he died and got transported into the past by Kyuubi.

"I'm a twerp! I'm twelve again! This sucks way too much!"

After moping around for three minutes, he stood up with a renewed resolve, "Alright! I'm gonna punch the world!"

* * *

Even as he played host to an untrained body, Naruto quickly reached Jounin level strength just from remembering his training with the different Chakra elements and their combinations. There were so many things he could do with combined Chakra elements, he had a hard time remembering all the names for the different techniques. Naruto boosted his sluggish movements by carrying a giant, Chakra-formed seal centered around himself, and used that as a short-distance Shunshin field. During all this he bid his time, focusing on training as hard as he could torture himself, until a certain event took place in the form of the first C-ranked mission for Team 7. 

He stood unresponsive during the attack of the Demon Brothers, and waited until Momochi Zabuza captured Kakashi in his Water Prison. For a fleeting moment of indecision, he wondered if he should stick with his still-innocent teammates after all, but then crushed his quivering feelings with an iron fist, right as he stared in the unawakened eyes of his lifelong rival.

Naruto covered a lot of ground with consecutive Shunshin jumps, out of range for any conventional sensing techniques, before his Kage Bunshins cancelled mid-combat and left the fire type Sasuke face a water type Jounin while fighting over a bank of water. The official record stated that Team 7 was killed on duty that day, their mission to protect the bridge builder Tazuna resulting in a complete failure.

Naruto crossed the border to Lightning Country, and made his way to his personal favourite of the rest demon carriers, Nii Yugito. After that he'd look into locating the three-tailed water monster. Oddly enough, his mind was somewhat fuzzy from the time travelling, and he couldn't quite remember who the rest Jinchuuriki even were.

Standing in front of the gates of Hidden Cloud village, he gave an evil smirk to the direction he knew the Akatsuki base in Lightning Country was at. First he'd gather up his eight rightful servants and then take over the Akatsuki. For the ones who had already transplanted a demon in themselves, like Hoshigaki Kisame, he'd use a dominating seal similar to the Hyuuga's, or just rip their demon out and find a better servant for himself.

As what came to the original purpose of the Akatsuki - to replace themselves with the existing tailed beasts - he could hardly care less. He was Uzumaki Naruto, and he was going to raise some serious Hell.


	4. Oh My God

"Oh My God!" wailed Naruto, as he woke up in his bed. "I've become a shrimp!"

Truth be told, he died and got transported into the past by Kyuubi.

"I'm a twerp! I'm twelve again! This sucks way too much!"

After moping around for three minutes, he stood up with a renewed resolve, "Alright! I'm gonna punch the world!"

* * *

Judging from the purple and green striped, banana-shaped sleeping cap he tore off in repulsed anger, at least some things had changed from the original past. His refridgenerator opened up to reveal nothing but empty beer cans and carrots. He couldn't fathom any possible reason for this, so he decided to ignore everything and go see someone at the Academy. 

On the road outside, he noticed even more weird things. The only shopping stalls anywhere in sight were selling kitchen utilities and items. Those stalls filled up both the roadsides as far as he could see in the distance.

"Kyuubi, are you there?" asked Naruto in his head.

"_What is it, you miserable mongrel?_"

"Why are things so different from how they were?"

"_Why don't you ask someone who has lived here?_"

"Why are you answering my questions with questions?"

"_What did you think I'd answer with, meatbag?_"

He passed all the kitchen utensil stores and made his way to the Academy. Instead of finding the building he wanted to locate, he stood in front of the impressive entrance to the Gastrojutsu Academy. It looked like a huge pyramid high in the air, connected to the ground by dozens of rotating circular stairways drilling into the earth like corckscrews. Higher up he could see tiny people standing on the stairs, waiting for the rotation to bring them up to the building or down to the ground.

"I think this can't get much weirder anymore," Naruto thought towards Kyuubi. He received only incessant snipping and whining as his answers.

He stood on an upwards-spiralling stairway and let it take him towards the pyramid.

"_I've been here before..._" said Kyuubi in a low, growling voice.

"Really? What is this place?"

"_It was one of the last stops before ending up in your world, and getting sealed in a worthless meatbag._"

"What the? Err, you mean you've been to other worlds before?"

"_Of course! I am the Kyuubi no Kitsune, I've been everywhere._"

"...Right. So how did you get out of this place?"

"_Time travelling disturbs the relation between consciousness and time, turning around what once were the master and his horse._"

"What the Hell are you on about?"

Kyuubi growled something unintelligible, and then said, "_It's not worth it trying to explain anything that complicated to you._"

"What? Just tell me why it's like this!"

"_I wasn't always a demon... I was once called John Titor, and I was a time traveller from a very different world._"

"Excuse me?"

"_Every time you travel through time, it shows you how fickle and cruel a master it is. The longer you travel, the more everything corrupts. First small things change, but it piles up as you travel back and forth. First one in a hundred things has changed, when you travel from there three from a hundred things have changed, and from that starting point another trip changes two out of a hundred things..._"

"Okay, I'll just pretend you didn't say anything."

"_Shut up, you miserable meatbag! I'm telling this for your benefit!_"

"You wouldn't know benefit if it was painted blue and hung from your overgrown nose!"

"_That's it, little bitch! You're so dead! I'm going to jump worlds until I end up somewhere where I can get out and torture you until the end of existence!_"

"Suuure. Now shut up, we're almost in the Academy."

Just when the stairway pulled Naruto up into the pyramid, he felt disoriented. Like he was someone else than just moments earlier.

A penguin dropped from the ceiling, making a wet smacking sound on the floor just in front of him.

"Nanja kono hetakuso wakewakannee ahoyarou?"

"_Just as I thought, there's something sinister going on in this realm..._"

"E? Ore nande eigoni shaberugoto ga dekinneettebayo?"

"_Close your filthy mouth. I can't understand a word from your incessant mongering._"

"Nanja! Uruse, bokekitsune. Ore kairuzo!"

Naruto jumped down outside the pyramid, and just as he made it outside the building, a sinister blimping sensation took place in his brains. The penguin jumped after them and opened its beak, emitting a screaming siren sound that echoed all over Konoha. Naruto and the penguin were in a freefall far over the rooftops.

"Stupid penguin!" Naruto shouted over the noise, as he covered his ears.

"The Hell?" he asked. "I can speak English now?"

"Souja. Mitenotoori, kono yo wa tairagatta bokehanashikotoba no suteba. Subete wa gomi ja!"

"_Kyuubi? Er, have you taken your medicine today?_"

"Kono Kyuubi no Kitsune wo bakanisurutsumori desuka? Washi wa omaenoyouna chiisana ningen itsudemo yorokobu ni kuu..."

"_The Hell? Talk in English, you stupid furball!_"

"Washi wa betsuni nihongo wo hanasuki ga neen ja, dakedo... Dou mitemo nihongo ja."

And that was when things started to really go downhill.


	5. So that's how you do it

"Oh My God!" wailed Naruto, as he woke up in his bed. "I've become a shrimp!"

Truth be told, he died and got transported into the past by Kyuubi.

"I'm a twerp! I'm twelve again! This sucks way too much!"

After moping around for three minutes, he stood up with a renewed resolve, "Alright! I'm gonna punch the world!"

* * *

Naruto made his way to the Academy; today was the day he'd obtain his Hitaiate carved with the Leaf insignia, to mark the start of his career as a Genin. Or it would mark that, once he passed Kakashi's survival test. He just wondered why there was a small letter 'C' carved next to his Leaf mark, but since everyone else had one too, and no one seemed to pay it any attention, he didn't want to ask and pull suspicion to himself. 

After waiting for three hours and sharing his self-introductions with Sasuke, Sakura, and Kakashi, Team 7 broke off for the evening. Kakashi instructed them to drag themselves down to training area seven first thing next morning - without eating any breakfast - no doubt planning ahead for a long session of mental torture and physical abuse before (and if) they'd realize the purpose of the bell test.

Naruto was more than surprised when the morning came, as he found all kinds of peculiar equipment around the training area. There were even white markings on the grass, and a see-through fence of some sort.

"Naruto! What are you spacing out there for?" shouted the voice of Sakura from the distance. "Over here, you idiot!"

He walked up to his pink-haired teammate and found her holding a curious tool in her hand. It looked a bit like a wire tray with a round, wooden frame, but with unconventional, very large holes in it. He bet it would catch fire under five minutes of cooking.

"What are we doing?" asked Naruto.

"Warm-ups," answered Sakura with a roll of her eyes, and then muttered more to herself, "The Hell did you think we are doing..."

Soon Naruto found himself standing in one end of the box-shaped white markings, with Sakura in the other, and the fence cutting their areas horizantally at the middle point. They both held their wire trays in one hand and looked serious, though Naruto just went with the flow for now. She took a little yellow ball from her pocket, threw it in the air, and hit it at the ground in front of Naruto. The ball bounced once and flew past him before he could do anything.

"Naruto! What the Hell are you doing?" she screeched at him.

"Wha...?"

"Hit it back, don't just stand there!"

Sakura hit another little yellow ball with her wire tray, and this time Naruto answered the play by placing his tray in front of the ball. It made a bonking sound and weakly flew against the fence on his side. Sakura looked like she wanted to hit his head with her tray instead of the ball.

"Are you honestly an idiot? Stop this fooling around right now, and hit the ball back here!"

He finally got an idea of sorts about what she wanted him to do. Gradually his answers became sharper and the balls flew back and forth in longer succession. Sakura aimed a hit to the side that Naruto couldn't reach, so he shouted, "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

His clone hit the ball back cleanly, but Sakura frowned even deeper.

"Stop that! We're supposed to warm up, not play a full-blown sparring game!"

"Yes... I'm sorry," Naruto wailed in answer, trying to placate the fuming girl.

During the next ball he wanted to hit one past her to see what she'd do, so he aimed to the side and made it too fast for her to answer.

"All right!" he cheered.

"You idiot! What are you getting so happy for? That was out," said she with a seemingly permanent frown etched on her face.

"Out?"

"I've been thinking about it this morning, but do you really not know the rules of Ninja Tennis at all? The last three years at the Tennis Academy ring a bell?"

_Ninja Tennis? What the Hell..._

"Err sorry, I'm just a little sleepy this morning," he explained, giving empty and forced chuckles to reassure her about his faked normalcy.

"Just what are you doing, Dobe?" asked a mellow voice from the sidelines. Sakura's eyes turned into throbbing hearts when she caught sight of Sasuke. Naruto rolled his eyes instead, preparing for a long and annoying discussion.

That discussion never had the chance to take place, as their team Sensei decided that moment to make his appearance.

"Yo. We're all here? Lets start the testing."

"What are we supposed to do?" asked Sakura.

"Well... We'll play a series of games with me against you. If you can't score a single point, I'll tie you up to a pole and eat your lunch in front of you. You have until noon to score a point." He set a large alarm clock on a table.

_That's why he told us not to eat breakfast... _The three of them were all in their varying degrees of depression, or as it were in Naruto's case, disinterest.

"Sakura! You're first up. Lets play," commanded Kakashi. They took their positions, with Sakura serving.

"Here I go," she said and threw the ball up, arcing to her best serve with the aim of taking an early surprise ace. She hit the ball to the very corner of the serving area with great control, but Kakashi caught up to it with a single step. Worse yet, his forehand cross return was so fast that Sakura hadn't even landed from the serve before the ball was long behind her.

"Wha-" asked Sakura, much shocked from this sort of treatment. Naruto wondered what was the point in this sort of test, and how teamwork would play in a single player sport, and no one knew what Sasuke thought about. Continuing the game, Kakashi made return aces from her serves, until he won the first game.

"And just how am I supposed to catch your serve, Sensei?" she queried with a sense of doom gradually settling in her.

"Try and see," said Kakashi, and served a forespin fastball that tore through the field and probably would have killed Sakura if it had hit her. The spot where the ball touched the grass, the very outer corner of the serving area, left a smoking black mark behind.

"Sensei! Stop it, this isn't a match at all!" yelled Naruto from the sidelines. Kakashi raised an eyebrow in his general direction.

"Then come in and join the game. You two against me, otherwise the same rules."

Naruto looked incredulous for a second, and then hopped to the field. He took his place on the side diagonal to the silver-haired Jounin, readying himself for a similar fastball as he just saw. Looking up at Kakashi's head protector, he could see that instead of the letter 'C' he had the letter 'A' carved on it. He wondered to himself, "_Is it some sort of rank thing?"_

Kakashi's second serve went through just like the first one, as did the two following ones. Even if they knew the fastball was coming, they had no way to make a move in time to catch it. After that it was finally Naruto's turn to serve, something he had never done in his life. He decided to test the first one, making a decent first serve to the rear end of the serving area, resulting in Kakashi's backhanded answer blowing the racket from Sakura's hands. She looked completely dejected at her uselessness.

"It's alright, Sakura-chan, just watch," Naruto tried to cheer her up. Lifting the ball up for the second serve, he formed a spinning wind similar to the second stage of Rasengan on his racket before hitting, giving the ball a totally random spin. For one fleeting moment, he thought Kakashi looked surprised, and had to move several steps to catch up to the irregularly bouncing serve, but it ultimately served as much purpose as rolling over and dying.

"Hmm, and I hoped I'd be getting some good players this year, and not a totally useless bunch..." Kakashi mused, loud enough that the three of them could hear it.

Sasuke jumped and landed inbetween the two Genins, making Kakashi quirk an eyebrow at him.

Sasuke shooed the two others out from the playing area, before he turned, pointing his racket straight at Kakashi. "I'll be the one to take you down," he drawled in a cocky tone.

"That's fine with me," responded the older man, outwardly unimpressed.

After Naruto and Sakura had made their way to the sidelines, Sasuke started with a sharp first serve that got easily returned. Unlike the earlier match, Sasuke could actually continue the rally by jumping sideways into the air and stretching out, just reaching the ball with the utmost edge of his racket before it bulleted past him. Kakashi appeared in front of the net instantly, returning the weak ball with a more decisive hit to the other corner. Sasuke twisted his body around midair, making faces that looked like he passed gas while doing it, and somehow reached Kakashi's attack for the second time. Still standing at the same point in front of the net, Kakashi sent a similar ball towards the first corner, the one Sasuke just left behind him. The raven-haired boy still didn't want to give up, though, and twisted his body still once more in the air, into an unimaginable and unmentionable position, finally reaching the ball with his racket by holding it between the soles of his sandals. The wobbly return came to Kakashi, who opted for mercy and scored a point with a drop shot. Sasuke landed face down on the ground, the first time he touched the ground between the three returns.

"This has got to be the single most fruit cake thing I've seen in my life, ever," observed Naruto. Not even a drunk and naked Lee hitting on a similarly inebriated and horny Tsunade came close. Sakura most likely heard his cheeky commentary, but was deep in the process of being distracted by her conflicting infatuation towards the Uchiha boy and the revulsion from seeing her idol making such abhorrent stances. She decided she would cry later, when she was alone with her pillow.

Sasuke got up from the ground and readied himself for another serve. Standing hunched over at the service line, he started to emit a wisp-like clouds of light blue around him. The way they waned away outside his body, it looked like Sasuke emitted faint blue smoke from himself.

"You still have lots more to work on," Sasuke explained to Kakashi, and then arced to throw the ball up to the air. He jumped after it with a weird stance, hitting an unconventional serve towards Kakashi's side of the court. As the ball hit the ground, it drilled into the grass for half an eyeblink, and then vanished from sight with a popping sound.

Kakashi didn't reply anything, but had made his way to the far side end of the court and hit a sure return ace crossed towards the open corner. Sasuke, however, had already made his way to that direction and managed to just dive and return the ball with a lob.

"What's that?" asked Sakura with a gasp, her eyes wide. "Sasuke-kun already ran to the corner before he could have known that Kakashi-sensei hit the ball there!"

Kakashi appeared in front of the net, poised to strike with his forehand, a spiralling wind of leaves billowing under him. His lone visible eye curved in telltale signs of a smile just before he hit a hard-slicing, topspin volley with his body jumping to the air, the ball angled away opposite from Sasuke's position. Sasuke ran from the corner, but in a pace far too slow to catch the driving volley shot. The ball hit the grass and shot forward with an accelerating, low bounce that ended up somewhere deep in the forests behind them.

"Looks like you're not a match for me either, Uchiha Sasuke-kun," said Kakashi, tapping his shoulder with the racket.

If looks could kill, Sasuke's Sharingan eyes would be dancing on Kakashi's grave in the pale moonlight.


	6. Perfume, check

This fanfic entry is now rated 'Mature' because of this chapter.

* * *

"Ohh, my life is leaving me," whispered the Fourth Hokage. "Please, take this child, and make sure he grows up well... It's my dying wish..." 

That day would go down in history as the birth of a very special ninja.

* * *

Twelve years later, at one specific Hidden Leaf village, the Third Hokage received a surprise visitor. 

"Oh, it's you. Have you brought back the kid?" asked the Hokage. Getting a curt nod in answer, a small thrill raced through his old heart. His eyes turned to look out of the window and found the Hokage statues carved on the mountainside. "_Yondaime, I wonder how your kid grew up as..._" he sent his thoughts out, and hoped he would keep an eye out for the child from the heavens.

The Hokage's visitor simply shrugged, granting a sympathetic thought for the old man and what was in store for him. The _problem _had been passed on, and now the was time to escape from Fire Country and hide deep in the mountains...

Meanwhile, at one specific Ninja Academy in the Hidden Leaf village, the class received a transfer student.

It wasn't every day you got transfer students in Ninja schools, since more or less all the other schools could be called lethal enemies, so tensions ran unnaturally high amidst the class.

"What if it's a spy?"

"Oh my no! Whatever shall we do?!"

"Shut up!" screamed Iruka, spit flying. His classes always kept on being interrupted with the most ridiculous of accidents, and he wanted to make things look as smooth as possible for the transfer student, who stood attentive next to him. After yelling the frantic voices down, he turned to the student, "Alright, introduce yourself to everyone."

This was the wrong thing to say of course, but he failed to register the manic glint lighting up in the corner of the transfer student's eye.

The student had blonde, spiky hair, blue eyes, and his height topped out at Iruka's jaw height - about a head taller than the rest of the students his age. He wore a blood red hakama dress with a fishnet suit under it, clackity geta sandals strapped on his feet. To the confusion of everyone present, he raised one leg high to the side and promptly smacked it to the ground, creating billowing clouds of green and red smoke. Firecrackers started to go off around him, shooting little flares of varying colors.

"Youuu, have done welll, to ask meeee--" he intoned at length, a serious look on his face.

"The Rose of the North Mountain, The Rider of True Passion, The Self-Proclaimed Lover of All Women..."

He raised his other leg, and brought it down with a loud clack to create another smoke cloud and even more firecrackers.

"Uzumakiiiii--" he stretched the vocal, before checking out all the girls in the room. Finding a few promising ones, he turned towards their group, and finished, "Narutoooo..."

He pulled his shirt open to reveal his nipples and trained abs to the girls - the fishnet shirt didn't cover up much of anything - making wild and inappropriate humping poses in the progress. Iruka took that chance to thwack him over the head with the course book, but it resulted in even more smoke billowing around the classroom, making Iruka realize he had hit a tree stump resulting from a Kawarimi no Jutsu. Naruto, in the meanwhile, had parked himself between a pink-haired girl and a white-eyed girl, already holding both of them against him around their slender waists.

"I found a seat for myself. I like this one best," he explained to Iruka, with a wide and shining grin on his face. The white-eyed girl fainted against his shoulder when Naruto squeezed her nubile boob.

Needless to say, the rest of the class consisted of scandalized shouting and flying objects.

* * *

After class - and having received a large number of reprimands and detentions - Naruto found the pink-haired girl spacing out in a quiet corridor. As she noticed him in front of her, she just pointed a shaking finger for a pregnant moment, and her eyes wide as if she had seen the devil, and shouted, "You!" 

Naruto took hold of her extended hand and gave a tender kiss to its backside before she could react with anything else than the reddening of her cheeks. He pulled the blushing girl right up against his body, their faces close together. "Why hello there, beautiful," he said against her lips.

His other hand had snaked behind her, plunging right under her panties, and now pushed his middle finger in the entrance to her reluctant asshole.

"What - the - HELL are you DOING?" Sakura screamed. She flailed madly, making liberal use of her free left fist, trying her best to extract herself from this psycho rapist, but found his strength holding her tightly in place, the finger grinding very painfully up her back entrance. She started to cry when she realized she couldn't escape.

Naruto applied one of his favourite techniques, pushing Chakra through the finger now fully up her violated ass crack, carefully massaging all the erogenous zones he had access to. Sakura half stopped crying, now more inclined to make loud choking sounds and unintelligible moans, stopping the fight to stay upright or awake when her knees went as limp as noodles. Naruto grunted in appreciation when Sakura helplessly orgasmed in his arms, and set her sitting sprawled on a nearby bench. Her eyes were blanked out and the only active muscles in her body were the ones that made her head bob back and forth in random intervals. Naruto merely nodded at a job well done. They were still inside the Academy during daytime, but it didn't seem like anyone had witnessed what he had done. Just at that moment, Naruto noticed someone standing in the shadows with their jaw wide open towards the floor.

Faster than anyone could react, Naruto had reappeared right behind the hiding Hinata, grabbing her breast in one hand and the other sliding down from her navel.

"Hmmm, and who do we have here? Such a beautiful princess as yourself shouldn't be walking around the dark corridors on your own. Who knows what could happen," whispered Naruto in her ear, giving it a bite and a lick. Hinata flushed so red she thought her head would just go 'pop' from the blood rush, and words died in her throat before she could get them out. Naruto pushed her facing against the wall and without any time to think about it, she held her hands against the wall as high as she could reach. This resulted in Naruto thinking he had free reign on her youthful body - something he immediately put to use.

She gave a loud gasp as his fingers raced down to touch her pussy lips with enchanted fingers. Hinata didn't know what was going on anymore, and found it more than hard to concentrate her thoughts. He twirled her clitoris expertly, while somehow reaching the hand around enough to give tentative pushes against the entrance to her vagina. She had never in her life experienced anything sexual, and having lived such a smothered and depressive life as she had, the alien onrush of hormones in her body tore to levels past mere intoxication. She still hadn't figured out why something like this took place, or what it even was, but still started to involuntarily gyrate her hips, paying only passing heed to the bulge in Naruto's pants that her ass fondled against.


	7. Intermission

_"Shitty whelp,"_ snarled the rumbling voice in his head. _"Do you want the power or not?"_

Naruto grimaced in disgust; he hated the fox demon more than ever. Jiraiya's reasoning about the whole deal had made sense, of course: _'It's a permanent characteristic of yours - a tool for survival. You have to be able to summon and control its power at will.'_ He was firmly stuck in his life-long predicament; just crying about it would amount to less than nothing in terms of progress.

He stood serenely on a high branch deep inside the forests of Southern Fire Country, hands forming ninjutsu seals on his front. His chakra pool had been completely emptied, but the tap that would flood him with blazing crimson power was still somewhere out of his reach. Plunging further into the memories of his fight in the Wave Country, to each of the four times he released Kyubi in the Chuunin selection exam, and especially to his fight against Sasuke, he found something oddly distorted in those memories. It wasn't just him watching them, and it creeped him out good.

During his training with Jiraiya he had managed to push flickers of red chakra out - sweating profusely from the pure effort. It had never been as difficult, awkward, and painful to channel any chakra for him, whether it was his own or not. Gathering from the fox's comments whenever he tried to reach for the other power, he supposedly was making it hard on himself out of sheer stupidity. Naruto remembered how it hadn't saved Sasuke from going to the Sound, how it hadn't measured up to a single seal done by the Orochimaru freak. The demon had replied with observations on his personal inability to make use of its precious gifts, something it had made a point to run by him time and again over the months they'd spent training.

Naruto had to admit that, somewhere under all the scathing, bitter comments, the fur-brain did actually have a point to make. Did he want the demonic chakra, or not? He couldn't quite shake off the feeling that it was somehow _wrong_ to use it.

The less emotion he put into it, the stronger he could feel... things seeping from the fox's chakra. Intense feelings, like being drowned in something as thick as butter. It was-- primitive rage. Naked, conspious, and overwhelming bloodlust. It was freedom on a much deeper level than he had ever imagined possible -- even in his nightmares dealing with total surrendering to the demon.

Naruto rather felt like he was standing back at the canyon edge again. He'd learned to summon Gamabunta by confronting the fox, but at what price did he use the power?

_"Jump, whelp,"_ came the growl.

Could he do it? Could he ease on the leash, and still remain in control? Ero-Sennin had told him to look for it, and that they wouldn't proceed in his training until he had learned some control.

_"If you want to reach the skies, you start from the bottom of the deepest pit."_

The power to surpass the Hokage...

He hated the fox, but he jumped.

* * *

Naruto woke up with a kickstart when a bucketful of cold water splashed on him. 

"Oy!" he yelped angrily as he jumped up from the ground. "What the hell was that for?!"

Jiraiya considered him with an even stare, holding the empty, dripping bucket in his hands.

"You were sleeping during training."

"I was not!"

"What were you snoring on the ground then for?"

"Err..."

"Forget it. I felt the chakra," said Jiraiya with a change in his demeanor. He threw the bucket away in the general direction of the small campsite they were staying at. "How did you work it out?"

"Eh?" Naruto tried to shake the water off without much luck. Luckily it was a hot summer day out. He stopped his futile efforts sighing and asked curiously, "Work what out?"

"Work out whatever you were doing here," said Jiraiya, as if it was obvious that he was working something out.

"And what's this?" he asked with a frown, poking Naruto's left forearm.

Naruto's black T-shirt didn't cover his arms as well as his orange jumpsuit would have done, and staring at the marks appalled he wished he had worn the clothes with more fabric to cover him up. Something clicked in his mind, as a memory of falling down the abyss took him over. The words of the demon echoed in his ears, spoken with a feral, snarling voice, _"As I'm bound to your body, your soul is now bound to me."_

He was screwed.

"It's the Ninetails, isn't it?" Jiraiya asked the question he didn't want to think about.

Naruto nodded distractedly and plopped down sitting against a tree. He gathered his arms around his knees and hugged them.

"Are you all right?"

Was he all right?

"How the hell would I be alright!" snapped Naruto at him.

"Your eyes are slightly wild..." said Jiraiya, crossing his hands.

"It's your fault for never looking after me!"

Jiraiya raised an eyebrow at him.

"We've been through this many times already..." 

"Was it that hard to just see me through this?" asked Naruto much more quietly, blanching inside. He turned to look away into the forest, pondering exactly what kind of training involved sending him alone against a demon that could wipe out a village with just one of its nine tails.

"Naruto," prompted Jiraiya with a firm tone.

He turned to look at the Legendary Sennin, standing tall in front of him. It was just sometimes, but Naruto figured the old pervert was actually capable of looking knowledgeable every now and then. It was just that he needed ten hours of pervercy for a single hour of normal behavior. He further reasoned out that Jiraiya wasted most of these rare hours while asleep.

Seeing he had gained the full attention of his disciple, Jiraiya said, "You have some serious misconceptions about this training, and life in general."

Naruto frowned his eyebrows.

"Eh?" he asked, not really sure what to make of it.

"Stop whining. These are things that no one can help you with," said Jiraiya, observing him carefully.

Naruto was bedazed. He definitely had not expected a response like this.

"What the... What the hell do you know!" he yelled back. What right did the old bastard have to talk to him like that? "Was it all right for me to get taken over by the demon!?"

Jiraiya's eyes flared. Gritting his teeth, he explained to his wayward student, "There's always danger in everything we do or leave undone. Deal with it."

Naruto couldn't really see where this was coming from at all. There was no reason for the old pervert to be angry at him. It was clearly the other way around, if anything! He toyed with the idea of Jiraiya wanting him to succumb to the demon, but scrapped that when he realized that he would have done that back when they first met. Or was it that Jiraiya had turned coat on him only now?

"Your don't look like you understood anything," said Jiraiya amusedly, and shook his head slightly.

"Listen," he continued with a lecturing tone, "if you think that you can survive in the world of shinobi with that mindset, you are seriously mistaken!"

Naruto looked at Jiraiya like he had grown a second head all of a sudden. The Sannin stared him down. 

"In other words... If you had fallen to the Ninetails and died, then you wouldn't have been worth the time and effort."

Jiraiya kept a small pause to let the words sink in before continuing, "I'm not worried about the demon breaking out, since the Fourth's seal was excellent work. I should know - I trained him."

Naruto stared back letting go of his legs and crossing his hands, not saying anything.

"On the other hand, now that something _did_ happen, you have the added experience of dealing with the demon on your own," he supplied calmly.

Naruto had to grudgingly admit that the old pervert had a point too. What was it with everyone making sense lately?

"You train so that you can function in the worst of situations. I had full trust in you pulling through this without dying, and you preserved, bringing back a seal too."

Naruto gripped his left forearm tightly against his body. He looked down at it; there were some kind of shapes covering most of the skin between his elbow and wrist. Another mark he now had on his body, without asking for even one.

"So, will you let me look at it now, or do we need to continue the lecture?" asked Jiraiya.

* * *

A/N: A little bit of a fic set during the timejump. Written sometime when part 2 had only a few chapters out. I thought it was an overdone theme already back then.  



	8. How much is too much?

Naruto fell into a trance, pulling the power of the Kyuubi into his heart.

**"Taste my hatred, you wretched sack of meat!"**

Naruto's vision swam in a sea of unknown imagery, shifting from place to place and person to person. Finally a single figure stood in front of him, waiting silently.

_"Naruto,"_ a sourceless voice sang in his ears.

* * *

A man wearing loose blue clothes and a brown shinobi vest stood in front of Naruto. He had a Konoha headband tied on his forehead, and yellow, spiky hair flowing wildly to his shoulders.

"Eh? Who are you?" asked Naruto.

"I am your uncle," answered the man. "Look deep into your heart and you will find it true."

* * *

More images passed by Naruto's vision. Endless seas turned to mountains, which slowed down to a woodland. The trees began to take shape, turning into a single man. He wore a grey hooded cloak tightly around his figure. Bright blue eyes with hypnotising swirls stood out clearly, but a Konoha headband was also visible on his forehead.

"Wha- Where did you come from!" shouted Naruto.

"I am your grandfather's third cousin removed," said he.

* * *

"And... You are?" Naruto asked. He had sat down with his legs and arms crossed.

"I am your adopted aunt."

"How many of you are out there lined up, exactly?" he asked.

* * *

"Woof woof, woof." (I am your father's dog) "Woof, woof!" (Nice to see you again!)

* * *

Much later into the following evening, Naruto wanted to scream.

"I am your first bottle of milk."

* * *

"I am the cloth you had around you when the Kyuubi was sealed into you."

* * *

...

* * *

AN: Written in the five minutes after reading 497.


	9. Lets party

At nighttime, the streets of Konoha were quiet. ANBU night patrols surveyed the rooftops and a covert ops team departed for their mission.

Tonight things weren't so - The streets were crowded with noisy mobs, dancing and singing to samba music, like an elongated party snaking through and around Konoha in a seemingly never-ending march.

On a nearby rooftop one of the masked ANBU on watch scratched her temple with one finger, asking from her teammates, "What's the deal? I haven't heard of any scheduled crowd control orders."

The team leader grunted. "We will move closer and investigate. Stay out of sight."

As they came closer to the mass of people, they all noticed that in addition to just about every civilian in the village, both active and inactive shinobi alike were part of the crowd. Everyone was smiling and laughing, clapping their hands and raising drinks.

The team leader used hand signs to signal for infiltration and one person. An ANBU with a hawk mask cast Henge to take the form of a bearded civilian man with grey robes and moved forward.

"Hello there!" shouted the transformed ANBU. "What's the occasion?"

The partying crew turned to him and shouted an enthusiastic welcome to him. Someone handed him a mug filled with beer.

The ANBU recognized one of the village's young Genin - the late Hokage's grandson, he remembered - on the dancing crew and asked from him, "Excuse me, shinobi-san. Why are the people gathered here?"

Konohamaru turned to him smiling, and answered, "It's simple. We've had the first bit of plot development that everyone didn't want to cringe at for hundreds and hundreds of chapters!"

The answer didn't quite register with the undercover agent. "Err, wha?" was his eloquent answer.

"Of course the pessimists answered that it will be at least another five years before the _next_ useful piece of plot development," Konohamaru continued, unheeding to the ANBU's confusion. "But I believe this will mark the turn of an era!"

The ANBU cocked his head slightly sideways.

"...Of course, I've been believing that for ten years soon... If it really takes another 500 chapters for the next good one, I wonder why I even bother anymore..." Konohamaru muttered.


End file.
